1001 most useless (dungeons and dragons) magical items

Ok everyone, put on your thinking caps, because we're going to be creating the most worthless (and thereby funny) items that could ever exist in a Dungeons and Dragons game. Please list before the item what edition rules you are making the item exist in. The rules are simple: create a magical item description (backround history provides for funnier items, but is not required) for an item that is completely worthless (I mean really, utterly devoid of meaning) to a PC. Every week or so, I will award prizes to those whose items are the best. For the winner, I will award the Prize Pig of Exellence : :pig: and, if there are any close seconds, I will give them an Elephant: :elephant:

Here are some of my old examples to get you started:
1.
Bow of whispersilk
This bow was created by a very weak kobald druid and was made out of rare silks. The bow has a strength enhancement of -3, and has a range increment of 10'. Anyone with a strength modifier higher than -3 automatically risks snapping the bowstring 50% of the time. Replacing a spent bowstring requires 1,000 gp raw materials and a Craft(alchamy) or Craft(bowyer) DC 25. If this check fails, you still lose the full 1,000 gp materials, and must instead make a DC 18 fortitude save or die from the deadly vaporous toxin you instead produced.

2. Worthless Item Pending...
This scroll was created using the awesome magic of DragonStrife hiserself. The scroll is absolutely worthless, dissolving in any liquid, providing no nourishment if eaten, unable to be burned for fuel, possessing a hardness of 0, an ac of 1, 1 hitpoint, and is completely unreadable exept for the use of a wish or miracle spell. The words on this scroll are written in a combination of all known languages, and one way or another the user must be able to speak every known language (even secret ones) in order to cast the spell stored inside. Even then, the user must make a DC20 wisdom check to understand the seeming giberish presented in the scroll. Upon activation, the scroll instantly disintigrates and nothing can prevent this effect. It teleports any worthless item found in the vault of the 1001 worthless items thread to the wearer instantly, causing 5d10 damage to the user in the process.

Cost: Your Sanity.

3. Worthless Item Busy...Please Hold

Created when DragonStrife decided to play a cruel April Fools Joke on hiser players, these items are now the solemn bane of all sentient beings. When a scroll of Worthless Item Pending is used to summon a worthless item, there is a 25% chance that this will pop out instead. It appears with all the pomp and cirucumstance that a bright orange and purple jesters cap with shiny bells can. It proceeds to prance through the air merrily around the summoners head until he/she grabs it and places it on hiser head. Any creature that so dons this hat recieves the following message, relayed telepathically in all existing languages. A cool, monotonous female voice enters the wearers head

"Worthless Item is currently unavailable, would you like to hold?"

Regardless of the response, a clicking sound (much like the hanging up of a reciever) is heard. Immediately, horrible "elevator" music is telepathically sent into the wearers brain. The wearer must make a will save=15 or take one point of temporary wisdom damage for every two minutes of listening to this music. This persists for 1d20 minutes. After which, a different female voice enters the wearers head.

"Your request is important to us, please stay on the line."

Whereafter the music continues for 4d4 more minutes. At the end of this time, the first operator says.

"Your request has been granted, it's been a please serving you today."

Whereafter the Jesters cap mecifully leaves and is replaced by the originally queried after worthless item.

4. Bagpipes of the Dwarf
These wonderful bagpipes can be played by anyone, although if anyone besides a dwarf plays them the pipes produce a horrid wailing noise. Additionally, a dwarf must wear a kilt to properly play said bagpipes or suffer the above affect. If there is no kilt-wearing dwarf in the vicinity, you may activate the magic of the bagpipes through the command phrase "You wee little dwarf yee." this is a full-round action that does not provoke attacks of opportunity. One dwarf instantly appears in the nearest open space to the bagpipes, wearing a dangerously short kilt. The dwarf is quite visible, although etheral and with a sanctuary spell requiring a will save of 100 to overcome. The dwarf reaches for the bagpipes, and upon grabing them an anti-magic field forms exactly .0372 inches away centered from the dwarf (allowing him to remain etheral and with sanctuary). He then begins to play the bagpipes with a +30 perform (bagpipes) check. Any tips that the dwarf should earn dissapear and re-appear on his person. The dwarf continues to play for 3d12 minutes and then dissapear, leaving only the bagpipes behind, which slowly empty of air with a whine. Bagpipes of the Dwarf can be activately 1/day. Useful for backround music during an epic battle.

Cost: A potato

5. A concience

6. A hand of the mage that slaps you every time you use it.

7. A rudder of whisk enchantment

Purpose: to create a wake of cream behind a boat

Justin wrote:

7. A rudder of whisk enchantment

Purpose: to create a wake of cream behind a boat

Advertising (not part of contest): A whole new way to feed the fish.

The following are not mine, but they are rather funny, so I'm including them anyways:

8. Ring of Detect Fire
Charges: Unlimited
Use: At will, Automatic
Range: Touch

9. The Rules Lawyer
Abilities:
1. Auto hits and crits all fun
2. Any fun that is hit is destroyed
3. Any fun not able to be hit will result in verbal bashing
4. Any fun verbally bashed is destroyed
5. Can find any rule in any book and quote it
6. Only rule not able to be found: GM has the right to change the rules as they see fit.
7. Any game challenged by a rules lawyer is destroyed.

-- A rules lawyer challenged this post.
-- This post has been destroyed!

10. Tome of Literacy

11. Frozen Fire

This wonderfully imaginative item is a true triumph of both human perserverence...and human stupidity. A few years back, two enterprising mages decided to do the impossible: freeze fire, and have it ready to burn as soon as it thaws out. And lo and behold! They actually managed to make it! The critics were held in silent awe for many days...until a small but crucial matter became apparent.

The substance that the mages used to freeze the flames wasn't simple water. And it had a melting point of about 250 degrees. Meaning...yes. The frozen fire could only be thawed in a fire of equal size, for nothing else was sufficient to melt the ice. And, with no fuel to burn and no time to ignite anything, it only burned for a few brief seconds anyway. But still...it was a nice idea, wasn't it?

Price: An arm and a leg. Bring your own sword...we won't do it for you.

-The Djinn

12. Microsoft Wandows

This item has the appearance of any other wand, except that it has a symbol on the bottom made of four imperfect squares of colour and the word "Start." When the end with the "Start" symbol is pressed, it is replaced with the number fifty. The start symbol never returns, but the fifty decrements in value with every use of the wand. Furthermore, immediatley after the start symbol is touched, a glowing rectangle will appear on the side of the wand. Within the rectangle, a nonsense word may be written with any acute object, including a finger. This nonsense word will be the activation word of the wand, and to protect the privacy of the user, the wand will not accept any word that does not contain:

1) At least 20 characters
2) Lowercase letters
3) Uppercase letters
4) Numbers
5) Symbols and Operators
6) Cryllic Characters
7) Greek Letters
8) Runes
9) Pictographs
10) Heiroglyphics

However, for simplicity, the wand will not accept any word that contains a space. Setting a decent activation word takes 1d20 full round actions, minus the user's intelligence modifier. Once set, it need never, and can never, be set again.

Once the activation word is set, any time that word is pronounced while holding the wand, the wand activates. The number on its bottom decreases by one. The user then makes a wish. Anything allowed for a wish spell is allowed for the wish. Then roll 1d20:

1-3: The wand freezes up and never works again.
4-10: The wand freezes up. Only a wish or miracle can make it work again.
11-13: The wand makes a harsh noise and nothing happens.
14: The wand grants the wish in a twisted and unfavorable way.
15-19: The words "404: Wish not found." are seen to appear on the surface of the wand for one round. Then, a list of things that can be done with a prestidigitation spell appear on the surface of the wand, organized alphabetically. Any one of these effects may be chosen. Roll a d20 again and apply the result to this table, rerolling on a result of 14-19.
20: The wand repeats the phrase "I need an upgrade," every three seconds, until said upgrade is purchased. Upgrades come out every 1d4 months, and cost 1d100 X 1d100 gp. Other than making the wand shut up, they have no effect except turning the wand a different colour. There is a 90% chance that the new upgrade will be incompatible with the wand if the user failed to purchase the previous upgrade. This increases to 100% if the two consecutive previous upgrades were missed.

Despite popular belief, this is not a cursed item.

13. The Creepy Kobold Statue:

One day, a Kobold wizard decided that Kobolds were under-appreciated in the world. He started to create an item that would show how great and fearful the Kobold race truly was, but he got tired and made this thing. Once a character touches the creepy statue in a dungeon, the statue is bound to them and no one else. It shall always be right next to them when they wake up from any period of sleep. It does not matter what the character does to get rid of this statue (throw it in the sea, destroy it, leave it in a dungeon, send it to another plane of existence, etc.), it will always be next to the character in the morning, it shall also be in perfect condition. If it is stolen, it still regenerates next to the character who picked it up in the first place. The character cannot sell it for the merchants are afraid it will scare away customers, it does not matter how high the character's charisma is, skills and feats will not help either. It cannot be used for decoration because people generally do not notice it. It cannot be used in battle for it crumbles if used as a weapon, there is no chance that it will have any effect on any character. Once the character that picked it up is unable to have it regenerate next to them (death, the passage of time stopped for them, etc.) the statue will appear in a random dungeon to wait for another character to pick it up.

14. Bob's Backwards Broom

This broom appears perfectly normal at first glance...and also at second glance. Which is because it is. Except for one minor flaw, which makes the whole thing a stupid idea.

The more you sweep with it, the more dusty the surface becomes. Upon taking the broom away, the dust begins to fade away rapidly, until the surface is just as dirty as it was before. No more, no less.

Great fun at parties, or a great gag gift for the wife on Valentine's Day...that's when you'll learn the only real use of this item. Better run, bub. Better run fast. Cause, and call me Mr. Silly, she don't look happy. Not happy at all.

Price: Three copper bars, a four month old toad, and the skin of a gelatinous cube. Change cannot be made.

-The Djinn

Ok, time for our first results. With only one entry, I am here supposed to award the Prize Pig of Exellence to Justin for his cask. However, the emoticons have since changed...That being said, I will now be awarding new standards:

Justin gets a for his Rudder of Whisk Enchantment



The fox symbolizes being crafty...like a fox...Those who most impress me personally, however, will recieve the Almighty Dragon, so lets get some more entries!

P.S. Justin, be proud of your victory! The fox is yours, wear it proudly in your sig.

yay rewards for me :D

hmmm a useless magical item

15. bulettes cap of dunce
-2 inteligence and charisma
mathmatical incopitence-makes you think that 2+2=fish 3+5=pie

16. Clipboard of Eternal Forgetfulness-

Purpose: This clipboard has one solitary piece of paper upon it. Upon said piece of paper, there is a box, with black borders. When this clipboard is picked up, it immediatley posses the user to grab a pencil, and to incessantly, at random points in time, check said box. After said box is checked, it proceeeds to make the victim erase said check.

Price: Insanity and stupidity.

Duration: 1d6 years. or 1d20 months, or 1d100 days. Take your pick.

Effect: If the writing utensil that is being used is taken away, the subject immediatly begins to shriek in a very high, annoying, girly voice, following said utensil until retrieved.

The clipboard may not be sold. Ever. After the duration is up, the user may set down the board, and run for his/her life, or, failing a DC 10 Will save, pick up the clipboard once more.

17. Scroll of bodily storage

Purpose:create hundreds upons thousands of small drawer like tatoos that can be opened with a command word.

Effects: these openings cause no pain to the host body (however onlookers beware for opening flesh!)
These drawers can hold up to 30 pounds each and they cover your entire body

Duration: Forever

Draw Back: This items every drawer is already filled with items and every drawer is designed to switch to give you a deignated item that will not help in the current situation...
Ex. When it rains you will want an umbrella however you will receive a bag of dirt instead :D

18. Egg of Rage
This seemingly normal egg possesses destructive capabilities that allow even the most useless bard to attain an even greater level of uselessness. When thrown at an enemy and succeeding a ranged touch attack, the egg splatters the target with sticky egg innards. Such a sticky mess enrages the target, sending them into a barbarian rage against the egg-thrower and their friends for 2d6 rounds.

Cost: 1 copper

(egg of rage can be technically useful to lower a target's AC; a simple fix: "barbarian rage without the usual AC penalty" would fix that nicely. Additionally, would you mind stating what level of barbarian rage they fly into? We all want to know how badly the bard killed us this time )

Ryan wrote:

(egg of rage can be technically useful to lower a target's AC; a simple fix: "barbarian rage without the usual AC penalty" would fix that nicely. Additionally, would you mind stating what level of barbarian rage they fly into? We all want to know how badly the bard killed us this time :joker: )

If I had to say what level, it would be the highest level of barbarian rage. :D

You know bards. Always #$%@ing things up.

19. GDer's guide to forum posting

Purpose: tell you anything about anything that has to do with gaiaonlines general discussion and rarely assists you in the "real" world

Purchase price: found in the whom shortly after your birth.

Ok, I'm a little late this week in judging, but having a look at the items for this week, I've decided that:

Justin recieves a for his Scroll of Bodily Storage,

Kevin recieves a to personify his Bulettes Cap of Dunce,

and Marshal recieves a for his Clipboard of Eternal Forgetfulness



Good job to everyone this week. Keep up the high-quality worthlessness.

20. The Pen of Eternal Suffering

Oh ye of weak mind and stomach need not read farther.

The Pen of Eternal suffering. Only one such pen exists. It never runs out of ink, as it draws from the very depths of hell, drawing the blood of the damned into it, effortlessly. The Pen's origin is not known, but rumor has it to be known as the pen owned by Death itself, used to write names in the Book of the Dead.
Effect
Once something sentient, a humanoid figure, lays a hand upon this pen, his life is to be spent in servitude of his new master. Once grasped, the Pen begins to toy with the user's sense of reality, causing vivid hallucinations, and constant searing pain.

Duration
Permanent
(See Further Details)

But, there is another such rumor. That Death also lost something that was, dare I say, very useless? This Pen spends it's waking moments devouring a user's soul. As it does this, it makes the user seek out the Clipboard of Eternal Forgetfulness. When the Clipboard is found, either the Pen will kill the current user of the Clipboard, the current user of the Pen itself, or if the Clipboard is unoccupied, make it's current wielder use such a tool. (Which ever user was born closest to a roll on 1d12 and 1d30. (Month and Day)).

When the Clipboard and Pen are combined, Death himself makes an appearance to the user. He writes the user's name in the Book of Life. The user must now spend all of eternity, checking and unchecking the Clipboard of Eternal Forgetfulness with the Pen of Eternal Suffering. As he does so, his hand will cramp from writing, causing endless pain. Once every 100 years, the user may make a DC 50 Will save. Fail, and he must check for another 100 years before death. Succeeding saves him from torture, allowing him to make a choice. Die now, or stay alive forever. If he chooses forever, he is absorbed into the Pen, and the set scatters across the Globe, to be picked up again. If he picks die now, his soul moves to the material plane, and the Clipboard and Pen fall to the earth, awaiting their collective next victim.

21. map of eternal blinding
purpose: to screw you over into thinking it is actually gonna help you find your way
effects: permanent blinding with a side dish of ramen (chicken)

Sorry my results are so late in coming this time everyone. I am pleased by the effort put forth by everyone, but I would like to remind everyone that this thread is for strictly useless items, meaning that they could have no use whatsoever. If I can think of a acceptable use for an item, it will lose points. For example, the Pen of Eternal Suffering only activates when picked up by a sentient, human being. Although inherantly useless to the bearer, it is also harmful. Therefore, a clever foe could use a construct or non-humanoid to plant the pen in the study of a hated rival, making the pen into an assassin, so to speak.

Just something for everyone to keep in mind: even if the item can be forced on another, and that causes the other difficulty, then it still has a use, no matter how obscure. And so now, to the awards!

Marshal recieves a for his Pen of Eternal Suffering

Kevin recieves his second for the Map of Eternal Blinding

Congratulations to our winners!