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Marshall
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 10:18 am

If you want to talk, you've got my number.
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Shell
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 12:26 pm

Xander, that's rough, let me know if you need anything.
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Justin
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 01:35 pm

so this morning my dad decide to have another lovely chat with me...

basically he said that my lifes goal (to make more money then my parents combined) cannot be achieved and me being in college is effectively a waste of time and money...

because by not going to school i can make triple what i am going to make at my career of choice

what an asshole

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Reprimanded Mandrake
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 01:47 pm

Hey Xander, If you want to talk about it at anytime you have my number.

Or, if you don't want to talk about it but need to get away from everyone talking about it, you have my number. I know how that one is.

Otherwise, I know I'm far away, but you know where I live too. I'm here if you need me, and I always have plenty of Mac and Cheese in stock.


@Justin: I... fail to follow that logic.

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Justin
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 01:52 pm

well i hardly followed it myself...

a few days ago i said that my goal in life is to make more money then my parents combined... a reasonable life goal in my opinion

my current career of choice is an IT which normally make 50,000 starting

my parents (or so i thought) made around 40,000 a year combined, so i was all excited to achieve my goal and have a job i like...

well my dad decided to chatter my dreams this morniing by sayings that only what thier taxes say when in fact my dad makes around 80,000 a year and my mom makes around 40,000 a year

both of which i know is fucking bullshit

but then when he said this i told him that about the only thing that makers that much from what i could remember was medical and accounting shit...

also, he said with 50,000 a year i would just barely survive, i would be able to pay bills and thats about it

i was SO close to laughing at his face...

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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 02:27 pm

Just barely survive? LOL. Um.... There are people who live just fine making half of that. They may not have a huge house or whatever, but they survive none theless. Making $50,000 a year you'd be able to life perfectly fine.

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Marshall
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 03:37 pm

I'm managing, and at this rate, I'll make close to $12,000 this year.
So, yeah.
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Xander
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 03:44 pm

Thanks for the sincerities you guys, I'll be sure to call or visit once things are sorted out. Sorry if my post sounded bitchy at all.

It's okay Justin, I'm sure under that deep asshattery he loves you.
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 04:00 pm

lol Xander, you are more then aloud to sound bitchy! don't be sorry.
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 04:46 pm

Don't worry Xander, you didn't sound bitchy. Trust me, I understand right where you're at. When my mom died all the sympathy and pity and "I'm sorry"s drove me completely fucking nuts.

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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 11:15 pm

Xander, I remember waaaaaaay back when you changed your profile pic, to what it is now, did anyone ever guess what it was?
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Marshall
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   29/03/10, 11:19 pm

Nah, you don't sound bitchy.

I guess I didn't really get over-sympathized when my dad died. It wasn't really noticeable then. But the few times I have had to explain it to people (Just like those bros who wanted to remodel my home, ended up asking how I got the house) now, can be fucking annoying.
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Justin
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   30/03/10, 07:22 am

Ben wrote:
Xander, I remember waaaaaaay back when you changed your profile pic, to what it is now, did anyone ever guess what it was?

i dont think so

but he told us what it is, or at least he told me

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Justin
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   30/03/10, 07:24 am

so i wake up this morning... notice its 6:55 say o shit im gonna be late for scvhool

decide meh i will go with my normal routine rather then rush, i might only be 15 min late

get out of my shower and get dressed, realize its 7:15

so mmm alright breakfast quickly then i can get to school on time

walk out into a DARK kitchen

see that the time actually is 6:15...


FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   08/04/10, 04:33 am

I just finished reading book #12 in the Dresden Files, which just came out yesterday...

and I'm mad, bro.

There were multiple times where I just literally set the book down and raged.
Audible "fffuuuuuuuu"s and everything.

And now I'm sitting here with this big smile on my face like "omgz, great book~~" but at the same time I just want to hit something.

Lol.

Jim Butcher is such a troll.

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Marshall
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   09/04/10, 01:32 am

Guild drama is stupid.
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Ben
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   09/04/10, 02:44 am

seconded
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   09/04/10, 03:14 am

I'm an idiot.

A stupid, stupid, stupid fucking idiot.

Brentt was on facebook chat today and stupid me finally broke and started talking to him. Granted, it was out of worry... he had a status a few days ago about being sick lately, and then he had just updated it to say "has got a bad feeling about this". So I was worried that something was wrong. Turns out the two were unrelated. But still, I shouldn't have been worried in the first place.

We've been talking for like 2 hours now. Just chit chat. At one point he asked me about any potential guys, and I said that there was nobody, nor did I want anybody at the moment. He breifly mentioned some girls. Him and some girl keep going between "Lets rip each other's clothes off" and "Nevermind, I don't feel like it anymore" apparently. I feel sick to my stomach. Literally. I might honestly puke due to how much emotional pain hearing that caused me.

I know I should just stop talking to him, but talking to him again feels so nice. I miss him and cant bring myself to end the conversation.

God, I'm an idiot.
STUPID.
Stupid stupid stupid.
Goddamnit.

I'm going to be bawling myself to sleep tonight for the first time in quite awhile.

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Justin
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   09/04/10, 08:10 am

well amanda i dont know what to saw to that

all i can saw is we need a weekend where we all chill again

xander will get us some fantastic pornos and we will all sit around the tv and laugh

perhaps weekend before detour?

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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   09/04/10, 12:55 pm

Thanks Justin, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I probably work the weekend before Detour since they usually schedule me on weekends unless I request them off... though I'll find out when I go check my schedule today.

I feel much better now. Sleep fixed everything and put my brain back in its place. Brentt is still a dick. He can go ahead and rip some other girl's clothes off if he so pleases. He's someone else's problem now.

Hell, the fact that he even mentioned he wanted to rip some girl's clothes off makes him an even bigger dick than I initially thought. He should've known how that would've effected me. Jackass.

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Justin
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   09/04/10, 02:36 pm

Justin wrote:
well amanda i dont know what to saw to that

all i can saw is we need a weekend where we all chill again

xander will get us some fantastic pornos and we will all sit around the tv and laugh

perhaps weekend before detour?

XANDER GET US HENTAI WITH HENSHIN IN IT

NAO

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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   18/04/10, 12:41 am

Why does my head always go to a place I don't like it going to? I was all fine until my friend needed a friend. I didn't think about him for a few months. He's gone and I wasn't really friends with him. He was my first crush, but why does it still affect me so much? Then my cousin doesnt tell me about my elementary best friend getting in a car accident. Why does it feel like its new to me? Its been at least 2 years!! I've been sitting here thinking could've I stopped them from dying? I know the answer is probably no, but I was looking forward to after high school!! I was going to chat with them and try hanging out. I seem to always wait until its to late!! Now my friend needs a friend, so I will be there for her!! but seriously what would've happened if I lost anyother friends? would've it came all of a sudden to me just like these "friends" of mine? I wish I could've been there for those friends, but How was I supposed to? How come I'm nice enough to feel others' pain, but I can't feel my own until a long time afterwards? I finally feel the pain of the deaths of friends. How long will it take me for my relatives death to creep up on me? Will it just hit me when I can't think of a reason for crying? What would happen if one of you (my friends) would pass away? How would I know if a friend has passed? What if the family didn't even know I was a friend? How could I live not knowing? (this might let ppl know who i am but idk) Why the heck did 5th grade have to happen? I mean can people really recover from that? Seriously what were you fucking thinking? I was fricken 10 and you were 13!!! I can't run and hide from this! I wish there was a process that helped me!! Stupid people helped you and what happened to me? Nothing fricken happened! They didn't even talk to me! Your the reason why I won't go on a bridge! Your the reason we have no money! I blame you for all of my past mistakes!! You made it so I don't trust people! The one guy I fully trust doesn't really talk to me! I'm not sure if I blame you or not for that. Stupid first relationship! It should've never happened but hey what can I say I loved him, but you flippin made it so I can't trust people!! I couldn't even stay in my old room and I couldn't have my nice bed!!! I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!! will you know this? probably not!! I'm too nice to talk about my feelings towards you! I hide my feelings from you...when you talked to me once in the car after we had some drink together you told me you had the urge to do it again for a split second! Why did it take me so long to get undepressed? Oh yeah its cause nobody told me that if they seen you, your ass would've been kicked!! I did miss you for those years!! I never expected to live with you again!! How do I tell people I might need counseling? I can't!!! I HATE COUNSELORS!!! I'M NOT FRICKEN 12!!!! Why didn't he protect me from you? You fricken brainwashed him a few times!! You made us do things that weren't right!! I don't even trust my friends on here enough to say this as me!! Only one person on here knows who I am!! unless he told someone. I'm not sure if counseling would help me or not at this age, but I'm always pissed at you and I can't help it! I believe you should suffer, but you got a stupid girlfriend that gets on my nerves! How can anyone date you knowing what you did? You don't deserve happiness until I get it! I thought that I would've had it but guess what I don't!! I do have my issues that don't involve you but seriously you were the main cause of my low self-esteem!! Don't you realize that I tend to hate you? I mean you don't have common sense by no means, but seriously I hate you for what you did! I wish I could go back in time and change what happened!! That is my one regret is following you!!! You have everyone on your side it seems except my good friends!!! One of my old best friends seems to be closer to you then me!! YES IT BOTHERS THE CRAP OUT OF ME!! but who am i to say you 2 can't be friends?! I'm so fed up with this crap seriously! I need someone that can understand this stuff, but my other old best friend won't listen or I don't want to bother her! My "best friend" doesn't talk to me anymore! It upsets me cause we hung all the time or at least I knew if I wasn't feeling me I could just go hang with him!! He's changed and everything but seriously he would be there for me! I don't have a phone and it kills me that I can't text him for help! I'm so tired and when I'm tired I remember stuff I don't want to. yet i can't help it! I've tried for years to forget, but I don't know how to forget.

That is all
~Smile~
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   20/04/10, 10:10 pm

So I was talking with my dad just now and he finally brought up what I've been waiting to hear for the last two months now. I knew it was coming eventually from either him or my grandma.

"So amanda... I noticed when you were with Brentt you're hair was looking really nice. Now its gotten bad again."

I swear to god, it took every ounce of my willpower to not turn and punch him right in the goddamn face.

Now just to clarify, for people who don't fully understand this whole trichotillomania thing, I'm going to use a little metaphor.

My family seems to think that its like cutting, when in reality its more like nail-biting. Its not some destructive action that I do to hurt myself because I hate my life blah blah, its just something I kind of passively do all the time. And when my life gets stressful, or some big, bad event happens (IE: the break-up) it gets worse. Just as a nail bitter bites their nails more in stressful situations.

But as I said... my family doesn't listen to that. So I just say to my dad "I don't want to talk about it." Beauase, really, there is literally nothing to be said about it.

But then he's all like "But you need to talk about it, maybe it will help, blah blah I'm a faggot and think I know everything about a condition I have never had or read about blah blah"

Its like... what did he expect me to say? "Yeah, dad, I'm still really sad about brentt and I hate my life, so I pull my hair out to ease the pain."?

Because if thats what he's expecting, he's NOT getting it because its NOT the case. Never has been and never will be.

But they wont. Fucking. Listen. To. That.

And I hate this whole "oh you were doing so well when you were with Brentt" thing. Because really, yes, generally speaking I didn't pull as much. But there were times before I met Brentt where it was like that too. And there were times when I was with Brentt that my hair looked like shit.

But no. They like to overly generalize things, and draw assumptions that leave me agitated.

They just can't get over the whole "omg trichotillomania is killing your life" mindset they have.

They all seem to think that because of this I'll never have a boyfriend (which I already proved wrong, multiple times. but apparently thats not enough to prove my point), that I'll never have a nice job, blah blah etc.

And I'm sick and tired of them tripping over shit that isn't their goddamn business. I'm living my life, I'm happy, and I believe in my potential.

This type of shit only holds people back when they LET IT. I used to share their mindset, and guess what? I was fucking miserable. Constantly. And then once I let go of that mindset my life became this perfect, happy, fluffy little place. Its rainbows and marshmallows and unicorns. Fuck. Why do they have to keep trying to impose a life of self-consciousness and self-hatred on me?

Sure, there are guys out there who would never date me because of my hair.
Fuck them.

Sure, there are jobs out there that would never take me because of my hair.
Fuck them.

Sure, there are people who won't approach me and try to be my friend because of my hair.
Fuck them.

Why does my family think I should care about that small population of pricks so much? I'm not here to please the goddamn world.

FUCK. Ugh.

/end rant.

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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   20/04/10, 11:45 pm

Good show amanda, you fuck their shit.
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PostSubject: Re: Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!   22/04/10, 02:48 am

Someone fucking shoot me.
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